I forgot yesterday was Sunday so I didn't go to church. My oldest son said he'd go with me. I found one I'd like to attend, put it on my calendar, and invited him.
I stopped going to church YEARS ago. Charles wouldn't go with me. When asked where he was, it was so terribly awkward. I didn't know how to answer the "why" when I told them he didn't want to come.
I often wonder if he had been involved with someone at that time in our lives. You see, Charles used to be a pastor. One couple, the husband worked with him in an outside job, just stopped coming to church. No explanation but I wonder if the husband was seeing something that shouldn't have been happening.
Oh well, I really don't have to know. I'm human so I wonder. I need to focus on the choices I make for myself and the example I set for my sons, and even for Charles.
No matter what I know or don't know about things he has done, he is unhappy. He needs to first learn to acknowledge his actions to himself and to God, then to forgive himself. Until that happens, I don't think he'll ever be truly happy. If he cannot forgive himself, I believe he will continue to make choices that hurt those around him.
I need to do the same. I don't want to come across as self-righteous. I have to forgive myself, learn to love myself, and focus on the path I choose from this point forward. I have a friend that tells me she sometimes needs to remind herself to "stop looking in the rear view mirror." Focus on where you are going, not on what happened in the past.
I want to hold on the lessons, but not dwell on the negatives. I don't want to use my energy on being angry or "righteous."
I sent Charles a letter tonight. I think I'll share some of this with him in another letter. I told him I was journaling, but didn't say I was journaling in a blog. I don't know if anyone else will ever read any of this. It's for me. In the event it is read by others, I hope it helps.
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