Well, I just spent almost 1.5 hrs talking to Charles. I think it was part 2 of clearing the air. Part one took place last Monday.
He stated he is no place to ask for or expect anything from anyone.
He said that during the years we have lived apart we were better friends and he enjoyed the friendship. I told him that "friendship" was an illusion; it wasn't real. It was based on lies and deception. He said I was right. I told him I just didn't have the energy to stay mad and really didn't want to. The hurt is a different matter. It has a mind of its own.
I believe we started working on the foundation of what comes next.
We talked about checking accounts, bills, and the kids.
It's a start; a good one.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Searching for a Church
I forgot yesterday was Sunday so I didn't go to church. My oldest son said he'd go with me. I found one I'd like to attend, put it on my calendar, and invited him.
I stopped going to church YEARS ago. Charles wouldn't go with me. When asked where he was, it was so terribly awkward. I didn't know how to answer the "why" when I told them he didn't want to come.
I often wonder if he had been involved with someone at that time in our lives. You see, Charles used to be a pastor. One couple, the husband worked with him in an outside job, just stopped coming to church. No explanation but I wonder if the husband was seeing something that shouldn't have been happening.
Oh well, I really don't have to know. I'm human so I wonder. I need to focus on the choices I make for myself and the example I set for my sons, and even for Charles.
No matter what I know or don't know about things he has done, he is unhappy. He needs to first learn to acknowledge his actions to himself and to God, then to forgive himself. Until that happens, I don't think he'll ever be truly happy. If he cannot forgive himself, I believe he will continue to make choices that hurt those around him.
I need to do the same. I don't want to come across as self-righteous. I have to forgive myself, learn to love myself, and focus on the path I choose from this point forward. I have a friend that tells me she sometimes needs to remind herself to "stop looking in the rear view mirror." Focus on where you are going, not on what happened in the past.
I want to hold on the lessons, but not dwell on the negatives. I don't want to use my energy on being angry or "righteous."
I sent Charles a letter tonight. I think I'll share some of this with him in another letter. I told him I was journaling, but didn't say I was journaling in a blog. I don't know if anyone else will ever read any of this. It's for me. In the event it is read by others, I hope it helps.
I stopped going to church YEARS ago. Charles wouldn't go with me. When asked where he was, it was so terribly awkward. I didn't know how to answer the "why" when I told them he didn't want to come.
I often wonder if he had been involved with someone at that time in our lives. You see, Charles used to be a pastor. One couple, the husband worked with him in an outside job, just stopped coming to church. No explanation but I wonder if the husband was seeing something that shouldn't have been happening.
Oh well, I really don't have to know. I'm human so I wonder. I need to focus on the choices I make for myself and the example I set for my sons, and even for Charles.
No matter what I know or don't know about things he has done, he is unhappy. He needs to first learn to acknowledge his actions to himself and to God, then to forgive himself. Until that happens, I don't think he'll ever be truly happy. If he cannot forgive himself, I believe he will continue to make choices that hurt those around him.
I need to do the same. I don't want to come across as self-righteous. I have to forgive myself, learn to love myself, and focus on the path I choose from this point forward. I have a friend that tells me she sometimes needs to remind herself to "stop looking in the rear view mirror." Focus on where you are going, not on what happened in the past.
I want to hold on the lessons, but not dwell on the negatives. I don't want to use my energy on being angry or "righteous."
I sent Charles a letter tonight. I think I'll share some of this with him in another letter. I told him I was journaling, but didn't say I was journaling in a blog. I don't know if anyone else will ever read any of this. It's for me. In the event it is read by others, I hope it helps.
Triple Threat
Well, on top of dealing with 1) divorce, 2) being cheated on, today 3) I started my period!!!
I rode on a roller coaster called the Hulk 10 years. I'm hoping the roller coaster of emotions I seem to be on these days doesn't turn into my own personal Hulk.
I talked to Charles last night. He and our youngest son are flying to his parents home today. Our oldest son won't be there to see them off. He is so hurt by his dad's behavior.
I'll see him again tonight at the airport. Even after all that has happened, there is still this fragile thread of hope for us. That thread that is cutting at me and at times is a dull ache. At other times its a sharp pain that shocks me.
NOTE: I didn't see Charles. He came to the house to pick up our youngest. He can't drive due to his injuries. His girlfriend was driving. I left the house before they got there and went to a movie. I had planned to go to the movie after going to the airport. I just went to an earlier show.
I rode on a roller coaster called the Hulk 10 years. I'm hoping the roller coaster of emotions I seem to be on these days doesn't turn into my own personal Hulk.
I talked to Charles last night. He and our youngest son are flying to his parents home today. Our oldest son won't be there to see them off. He is so hurt by his dad's behavior.
I'll see him again tonight at the airport. Even after all that has happened, there is still this fragile thread of hope for us. That thread that is cutting at me and at times is a dull ache. At other times its a sharp pain that shocks me.
NOTE: I didn't see Charles. He came to the house to pick up our youngest. He can't drive due to his injuries. His girlfriend was driving. I left the house before they got there and went to a movie. I had planned to go to the movie after going to the airport. I just went to an earlier show.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Independence Day
Today is Independence Day for America and for me! I'm claiming it as my own. While Charles is in another town with another woman celebrating getting to the finish line of his challenge, I'm taking on a challenge of my own.
I'm cleaning out closets, hallways, piles anywhere I can find them. He says he has a place here but lives somewhere else. Not anymore. He's not going to claim my home as his place from my Independence Day forward. I've told him my couch is his couch. I want him to have time with his sons when he is here, but it's just a visit. I'm going to take it all to storage. He can sort it out from there. Right now, he's wheelchair bound and can't get into either the house or storage but that time will come.
I'm cleaning out closets, hallways, piles anywhere I can find them. He says he has a place here but lives somewhere else. Not anymore. He's not going to claim my home as his place from my Independence Day forward. I've told him my couch is his couch. I want him to have time with his sons when he is here, but it's just a visit. I'm going to take it all to storage. He can sort it out from there. Right now, he's wheelchair bound and can't get into either the house or storage but that time will come.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Mood Swings
Wow! Tonight I am absolutely amazed at my mood. Last night I thought I might cry all night. I've been weepy through the morning as well.
That's not how I'm feeling tonight. I'm in a ball-busting, kick-ass mood.
It's energizing! Which means, because I know myself, I'll be very tired soon.
The pain isn't gone. I can feel it hiding behind the "attitude" just waiting to take over.
The tone of the conversations rolling through my mind, conversations I didn't have and wish I did have, is not very nice at all. It's like the "rational" me is sitting back and watching what is happening in my mind. Fortunately, I'm at home and won't take this mood out on some unsuspecting, innocent individual.
Last night, I wanted nothing more than some type of contact from Charles. Tonight, he'd best stay away.
It will be interesting to see what happens next.
That's not how I'm feeling tonight. I'm in a ball-busting, kick-ass mood.
It's energizing! Which means, because I know myself, I'll be very tired soon.
The pain isn't gone. I can feel it hiding behind the "attitude" just waiting to take over.
The tone of the conversations rolling through my mind, conversations I didn't have and wish I did have, is not very nice at all. It's like the "rational" me is sitting back and watching what is happening in my mind. Fortunately, I'm at home and won't take this mood out on some unsuspecting, innocent individual.
Last night, I wanted nothing more than some type of contact from Charles. Tonight, he'd best stay away.
It will be interesting to see what happens next.
Taking off the mask of denial
My husband Charles and I haven't lived together for 3+ years. This year when I have my annual physical and the doc asks if I'm sexually active, I'll answer No for the second year. In November 2009 someone expressed their surprise to our son that his mom & dad were married because they thought Charles was dating someone else. That's when I said it was time for a divorce. I told him I wasn't asking him to confirm or deny what had been said. It wasn't the first time so I already knew. Yet here I lie in my bed absolutely overwhelmed with pain. Crying for him; for what we've lost. I'm as upset with myself as I am with him. I just wish I could go to sleep and stop crying.
For the past 3+ years, I never indicated to anyone that knew us both that our marriage was becoming more brittle each day. I didn't share that when ever I would touch him, just a hand on his arm, he would pull away. I wore a mask of "yes it is difficult living apart but that is where his job is and we are making it work." I continued to think of and present myself as part of a couple while he lived as if he were single. On Sunday, June 27, 2010 that all changed. It was time to rip the mask off. No more picking at it like the edges of a band-aid. Just RIP, no matter how much it hurt and left me raw and exposed.
At 12:27 am on 6/27/10, I received a call that Charles had been in an accident. He had been traveling across country. I was a member of his support team assisting with managing funds. There is a big party planned for all who partcipated in the event in the final community. I asked Charles if I neded to stay away from the event. He said I had helped more than anyone and deserved to be there. I restated my question. He said he did plan for a friend to be there at some point. I told him I wouldn't be there.
I was called by law enforcement because I'm the only emergency contact listed in his phone. I contacted his parents then updated the website so many were reading to follow his journey. At 8:30 am Sunday morning, his girlfriend called with, "Do you know who I am?" She wanted more details.
His injuries are immobilizing but he will recover. He returned to the state by plane; she picked him up at the airport; and she took him to the final destination for the big party on the 4th.
As people ask when I'm taking him to the party, I honestly reply, "My part of this journey is over. He has someone else taking care of him now."
I am shamed. I was the fool yet again. I am raw and in pain.
For the past 3+ years, I never indicated to anyone that knew us both that our marriage was becoming more brittle each day. I didn't share that when ever I would touch him, just a hand on his arm, he would pull away. I wore a mask of "yes it is difficult living apart but that is where his job is and we are making it work." I continued to think of and present myself as part of a couple while he lived as if he were single. On Sunday, June 27, 2010 that all changed. It was time to rip the mask off. No more picking at it like the edges of a band-aid. Just RIP, no matter how much it hurt and left me raw and exposed.
At 12:27 am on 6/27/10, I received a call that Charles had been in an accident. He had been traveling across country. I was a member of his support team assisting with managing funds. There is a big party planned for all who partcipated in the event in the final community. I asked Charles if I neded to stay away from the event. He said I had helped more than anyone and deserved to be there. I restated my question. He said he did plan for a friend to be there at some point. I told him I wouldn't be there.
I was called by law enforcement because I'm the only emergency contact listed in his phone. I contacted his parents then updated the website so many were reading to follow his journey. At 8:30 am Sunday morning, his girlfriend called with, "Do you know who I am?" She wanted more details.
His injuries are immobilizing but he will recover. He returned to the state by plane; she picked him up at the airport; and she took him to the final destination for the big party on the 4th.
As people ask when I'm taking him to the party, I honestly reply, "My part of this journey is over. He has someone else taking care of him now."
I am shamed. I was the fool yet again. I am raw and in pain.
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